Goodness me, could this be Industrial Disease..?

This story is called "How To Turn Forty Five Minutes Into An Eternity" or "How I Got My Ass Handed To Me By A Bunch Of Four Year Olds"

I don't really like using obvious names/activities in this here blog. I find that those about whom I write generally know who they are- sometimes other people know who the third parties are etc.. I feel comfortable using my ex-dogs name I suppose (Lucy).. she's dead.. and she never learned to read so I'm safe there.. either way..

Dramatis Personae:

1: Able: Is able to behave when he wants to.

2: Noise: Appears to enjoy negative attention.

3: Quiet: Usually fairly quiet, well behaved.

4: Games: Plays games- not the good, fun kind.

5: Normal: Well behaved, follows directions, good.

6: Dinosaur: Dinosaur.

Also: "dots" are things which designate the space any single child is supposed to take up. They stand on them. The world without "dots" is a much darker place. I don't like to think about it.

I'm pretty sure this class started with us reaching up and reaching down and counting to some arbitrary number as we did so. I often use this to see what kind of day it's going to be- if they will all count together, if the counting will involve screaming, weird numbers, or strange noises. Noise does this thing where he will continuously count to the wrong number on purpose requiring us to start over - today is no exception. I make him sit out when he does this, because I know he's trying to be an issue- problem is, today Games picked up on it and did the same thing, to cause problems-- so I made him sit out too, then Quiet chimed in, which was strange cause he's usually pretty well behaved.. Dinosaur got all frigged up because now he's confused about the number.. we started over with everyone together, eventually we got there.

Noise has also begun this game where he yells random stuff during the time reserved for yelling "keeyup." This time I told him to stop in a fun way, reminding him what to yell instead of whatever it is he's been saying.. he kept doing it, I told him to sit down, after a while when he was allowed to stand up he was at it again, I told him to sit out in the waiting room he gave me this hurt-puppy look and didn't move, I gestured with enthusiasm towards the exit of the classroom, he eventually went out there to sit for a while before I brought him back in and asked him if he felt as though he was capable of being a part of the class without disrupting it. This cycle was repeated twice, during which time Games had decided he could do the same thing and blame it on Noise, Dinosaur was doing it because he thought that's what he was supposed to do, Quiet had also begun this practice because apparently today he had decided to reflect bad behavior, Normal hadn't said anything at all, and Able wouldn't touch that stuff with a nine foot pole. Able and Noise are buddies, Able knows what Noise is up to, and knows that I know what he's up to. Able knows better.

Able was not without fault, though as it was Ables job to be the leader in the classroom. Except today he had decided to wave his arms around, make weird faces in the mirror, create random noises, and make my life difficult. I reminded him he was supposed to be setting a good example, and he pulled it together for about three seconds.

Noise declared he must use the bathroom. Dinosaur said he did too. Games said he did too. Quiet said he did too. I had them all sit down on their dots, to quietly consider their breathing and sent Noise to the bathroom. He was over there long enough to turn on the light and open the door before coming back to his place, disrupting the barely-there silence of the room using his mouth and lungs. I looked at him, amazed at his ability to entirely destroy my classroom with his false bathroom claim. I took a few risks. Past experience has told me never to ignore a five year old who says they must use the bathroom, but I ignored Games and Quiet, letting Dinosaur go because, though he is a little odd, he has never asked to go during the class, and I don't think he picks up on enough socials cues to actually intend to be a pain in the ass. Games asks to go to the bathroom almost every class though I remind him to go before each time. Quiet has, at this point, proved to me that he was not thinking for himself so I chose not to believe him.

My hold on the class at this point was tenuous at best. Noise was more or less a constant project and I ended up sending him into the waiting room again while I tried to salvage Games, who was running around doing weird things, not paying attention, or being blatantly defiant. Able was still winding his arms around and bending his back to see his face upside down in the mirrors. So much for that good example. Dinosaur was enthusiastic and random, but mostly on the ball, Normal was doing just fine and I could kiss him for it, Quiet was pointing at Games doing weird stuff, Games was pointing back at Quiet saying that he was the one doing weird things. I glanced out to the waiting room to see that Noises parents have his jacket on and are planning on taking him home. I went out to ask him a final time if he is able to join us, if its alright with his parents that he join us, if he can please please just pull it together for 10 more minutes so we can try to end this thing on an upswing and send everyone home happy and nobody drops.

Noise was in the classroom for approximately one minute before he ran full on into Quiet who began to cry. Short of launching over half of these children into the sun, I could see no real solution to the day. I had them sit back down on their dots and the game was now to stay seated and quiet for one minute, every time I had to give any verbal reminders or corrections we had to start over. Games decided to use this as the perfect time to start laughing as though he just couldn't contain himself- I could tell he was play acting. Noise used this as an excuse to make noise and did the same thing. I sent Games out to stop Noise, Noise eventually got it and was quiet, I invited Games back in to finish the class.

Just for funsies I asked down the line what anyone learned today. I got to Noise and I led him through about how he learned not to run around and not pay attention because he could hurt people, I asked Games what he learned and he didn't say anything, I asked Quiet and he shrugged. I began a small speech that I really felt was getting somewhere, hitting home, salvaging something so I could a at least feel like the day wasn't a complete wash. I would have called it "If you guys don't behave I can't teach you anything and it isn't fun for anyone" had I been able to finish it-- but right then a black uniform came out of the office clapping its hands and giving directions.

Around here is when I totally gave up.

It's getting pretty dry around here these days.

goody goody gunships!!

Ima stick with the memories. They are fun, they keep me out of trouble. Sort of.

Next set, in no particular order:

He is giving a lecture in the beginning of the year to the entire freshman class. It is about what he calls "homobovinus." Cow people. I fall in love with his smile, his wisdom, and his wit. I am sitting next to someone I know but I don't talk to anymore. I write these words on the top of my notes: "I could look at his smile all day."

I am sitting among friends in the cafe at the dorms. One of the more serious of our number is probably talking about something to do with russians, vodka, or Quentin Tarantino- he always was at that point. He is probably wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Expressionless, unannounced, I put my knife in his cup of milk.

It is the middle of the night and I am sitting on the hood of his car while he goes to relieve himself on a nearby building. We have had a few drinks and are in problem solving mode: who is spending the night where, for how long and with who. I have written a text message to my good friend Ms. Moonshine much earlier in the evening during the actual 'evening' part of the evening. I consider the reality, which is that we have not spoken in nearly five years, he lives very far away, and last I knew he was a mortician who shaved his eyebrows. As he approaches from afar my phone tweedles.

The message I sent: "Dude."

The message I get back: "Dude, seriously."

The power has been out for two days- my father, my mother and my sister have all been sleeping in the living-room because we have limited candles and flashlights, and limited ways to heat the rest of the house. My father is reading by the light of a large candle, this song and others like it are playing from a small, battery operated, yellow, plastic tape player/radio.

I spend every day after school in my room, drawing the faces of musicians I like.

I am running over the top of a snowbank in the early evening. It is still snowing, and many places closed early in anticipation of the storm. It is only a mile from where I live, but it is dark with low visibility, and there are those monstrous ploughs out- I try to make the trip quick to diminish possibility of tragedy. I compound the risk by, of course, having all black winter wear- the flashiest thing about me at this point is that I haven't been falling through the top crust of the banks. There is only one student in, as he lives closer to the school than I do, I expect this. I don't recall the lesson, only the eerie quiet beauty of the commute.

There is a kid at the day care center I go to who always gives me a hug when I get there. I always try to avoid him, thinking this naked emotional display of his joy over my arrival is a little too intense. There is also a girl there who finds pleasure in slapping me in the face on a pretty routine basis- she is an older sister of a friend of mine so I see her regularly. I don't recall why, but I do remember asking the lady who ran the place (I'm sure it was her house, actually) to tie a bandanna, kamikaze style, around my head sometimes.

I am in front of a small group wearing white uniforms- I am also wearing a white uniform. There are a number of men sitting at a table wearing black uniforms facing us. I am speaking with a peer, but we are pretending to have just met each other. She is displaying to the table full of black uniforms what she knows about "information". I am her dummy "information". I have been told by one of the black uniforms to pretend to be looking for something to relieve stress, but something more interesting than a gym. She asks me what I do for work. In the real world I have just lost my job.

"I'm a.. radio.. personality."

"Oh-ho really? And what are you looking for here?"

"Just something different you know? I don't get to move around a lot at work.. and it can be pretty stressful with the.. sound effects.. "

End set.

So. Been visiting Mr. Blog a lot lately I guess.. .. it's a good way to escape without completely mentally checking out I suppose, but then so is qi gong.